Sex after marriage?

Wednesday, January 12, 2005

the previous boyfriend

I am loathe to call any of my decisions in life a mistake, because I'm a firm believer that everything you do has absolute consequences for subsequent happenings, and as such, I wouldn't be here today, in the place in life that I am, without making those decisions.

However, with the benefit of hindsight, I really wish that I hadn't run my previous relationship (before Husband) the way I did.

For starters, I let it go way way too long, 4 years. Probably the last two of those years we had sex maybe, 20? times. Now say what you will about the sex and its relative importance in a relationship (and obviously I think that it is of paramount importance, because otherwise I wouldn't be writing about it), that rate of sex is completely abnormal for a couple in their early to mid twenties.

To backtrack: I knew this boy socially for a year or so. He was (and is) just over three years younger than me. When we met, I was in the latter stages of my 3 years of sleeping around, and he was still a virgin. I was 22 when we started seeing each other, he was 18. My first mistake was thinking that we could keep it casual. Sure, I had a bit of a crush on him, and thought that he was a great guy, but I was very aware of our age and experience differences. So we went out one night, with a group of friends, and I seduced him, was only the third girl he had ever even kissed, and took him to bed. That was my normal M.O. but again, I was forgetting that I had a lot more experience than him - most of the guys I had slept with were older and more experienced than me. Of course, he pushed and pushed and we ended up being a couple. Which was great - for a while. He is a very sweet guy, and was fun to be around. A lot of my friends questioned us, age and experience notwithstanding, because he was the opposite of my "type." At the time, the sort of guy I was attracted to was tall, lean, snarky, and fiercely intelligent. This guy had the tall, but was build like a football player, wanted everyone to like him, and frankly, smart, but not setting the world on fire. The main problem was though, over the years he became far too emotionally dependent on me, and I found myself (and this again is the benefit of hindsight) becoming somewhat of a tyrant with regards to how our relationship worked. Everything was done on my schedule, the way I wanted it to be. And of course, familiarity was breeding contempt. Also, the fact that he let me push him around so much meant that I lost even more respect for him. By the final year, the thought of actually having sex with him made me feel icky. So why didn't I break it off? Well, I still liked him a lot, and he was one of those guys that was all "if you leave me I don't know what I'll do."

Now, I realise that those words should be a signal to get the hell out.

The main way that I was in control of the relationship was by having the absolute final say on sex. And because I never spent any time with him in the past year, outside of going to bed together, I was always "too tired" and completely inconsiderate to him. He must have been incredibly miserable.

When finally I did break it off with him (like a wimp, just a couple of months before I was due to leave town anyway) I did it as meanly as I could. I knew he could tell that it was coming, and he was holding on tighter and tighter. I figured the only way that I could get him to let go was by being a raging bitch. So I dumped him in the morning, and that evening went out and slept with a friend of mine that I knew boyfriend hated. Man, I was a cold bitch.

Of course its difficult to sum up a four year relationship in a few paragraphs, and I have probably made myself sound far worse than I actually was, but suffice it to say, yes I did hurt boyfriend, a lot. But! After a few months, we began a friendship again (from long distance as I, then he moved, and are now in different continents) and now have a pleasant correspondence, nicely bereft of all of my headgames. I really do regret how badly I treated him, I grew up a lot in the time that we were together, and in retrospect I would have handled the whole situation a lot differently, right from the get-go. But, that's what you do in your early 20's - you mess up. A lot.


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